I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
