I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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