Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
