My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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