Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
