im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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