ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
