Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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