If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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