filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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