Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
