cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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