They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
