I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
