from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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