So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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