he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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