i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
