mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So here I am, sexting at work.
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