What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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