I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
