Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
