There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
