I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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