Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
