How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
