Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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