I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
