I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
