peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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