she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
