HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
