apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
