Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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