My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
