Whod you bang
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think my fart just growled at me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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