Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
