Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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