Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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