I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
