Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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