Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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