Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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