dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
