i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
