im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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