no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
