just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
