i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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