she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
