i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
