god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
