ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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